8 weeks
by aslycsi1315
Summary: Kensi leaves with Granger and Agent Sabatino to Afghanistan for 8 weeks. While she's gone, Deeks' ability to hide behind being 'fine', finally collapses.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I'm currently writing this on Tumblr and decided to post it here. It'll be updated regularly along with my other stories. **

"**Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you." ― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars**

* * *

**November 26, 2013**

"_You two cannot function as partners. You couldn't do it on this case and people could have died!"_

"_Hetty, you were the one that told me to go for it with that note!"_

"_That was to get you to take an understanding of your emotions and learn how to control them."_

"_So you want me to walk around all day all bottled up, hiding the fact that I have feelings for Kensi?"_

"_This is why you cannot be partners. This is no longer up for debate. Miss Blye will leave in the morning and you will receive your temporary partner in the morning." _

That was two weeks ago.

Hetty had decided to send his partner off to Afghanistan with Granger and Agent Sabatino two weeks ago for classified seven week mission. The blonde haired, once sparkly blue eyed detective believes to this day that she only sent Kensi because he and Kensi had decided to act on their 'thing.' Because of the odds and everything else in life seems to be against him, Deeks only a week and a half with Kensi.

Ten days.

He made mistakes on a case and it all was chalked up to their relationship. Callen and Sam had looked at him like he was the instigator and Kensi as if she was a naïve little girl. Hetty called up Granger almost immediately and handed Kensi over to him as if it were nothing. Deeks had tried everything to stop it from going through, but Kensi told him to let her go and the steps towards a relationship that they had made would be continued after she got back.

That wasn't good enough for him.

In 24 hours, Henrietta Lange had taken the one thing that had pulled him out of his PTSD funk. His sunshine and gunpowder made him breathe, live, laugh- function as a human being. Two weeks without his Fern triggered the end of the facade that he lived off of his entire life.

The facade that showed that he was fine- Marty Andrew Deeks was completely fine and emotionally stable.

In two weeks, Deeks' ability to keep up the façade had crashed. Every emotion from the Sidarov case, his shooting from two years ago, and the cyanide case from his early LAPD days that no one knew on the team knew about came rushing back to him. In two short weeks, his PTSD is eating him alive and he's not sure he has the ability to fight it anymore.

"Deeks, you look like hell."

_Not in the mood for a chat, Callen. _" I'm fine," Deeks mutters without looking up at the two agents standing in front of his desk. Callen crosses his arms and states, " Deeks, look at us."

Deeks stops in the middle of the sentence he's writing and slowly looks up to Sam and Callen. Both are staring down at him like he's a lost puppy with deep empathy and worry. " I'm fine."

"Kensi's been gone for two weeks. It sucks man," Sam says, "but Hetty did this for the best. You and her were getting two close."

"And seven weeks apart is going to put everything back to normal," Deeks mutters sarcastically. He crosses his arms and leans back in his chair in a challenge to the two agents. The lead agent sighs deeply before glancing over his shoulder to see Hetty watching them intently.

Sam steps in, "With Michelle and I-"

"Sam, I don't want to talk about Kensi," Deeks states. He stands up and starts to make his way around their desks.

"Deeks, she's coming back! You've been moping around here as if she died," Callen exclaims in a piss poor attempt at being 'hard on him for his own good.' "Maybe this should be a permanent thing."

Deeks stops in his tracks and turns back to Callen with his hand shaking. The only thing that stops him from an outburst at Callen is Sam shaking his head in disbelief at his partner. Leaving Sam, who's soon immediately arguing, "Why the hell would you say that?" with Callen; Deeks trudges his way towards the hallway that leads to the shooting range.

The detective passes Hetty's desk without a word or a glance. In his belief, Hetty's violated his trust- _She should have known that I'm bloody mess hiding behind a mask. _He hasn't spoken to Hetty unless required to in two weeks and he doesn't plan on doing it anytime soon. As he continues on his way, he passes his temporary partner, Special Agent Tara Liam, a Kensi look alike who left a lasting first impression by snorting loudly at the idea that the cop on the team is the equal to the rest of the team.

_No doubt Hetty's idea. _

In a few minutes, Deeks finds himself alone in the shooting range. He knows that no one's bothered to follow him as being alone has become Deeks' specialty in the past two weeks. After placing his new Smith & Wesson on the shooting bench, he closes his eyes and begins counting to three. At three, he grabs the pistol, clicks off the safety and fires six rounds into the head on the target sheet.

The effort causes him to nearly pass out.

Luckily, Deeks catches himself by grabbing onto the bench to take his weight. He has to wait for his vision to come back to him and ringing to stop bellowing in his ear. He's back into his no sleep, walk around like a zombie cycle again, this time being on his third day without sleep. New to this cycle is not eating- the last meal he can remember was…..

_Damn…what WAS the last thing that I ate?_

Deeks slowly slides down to the ground with his head against the bench. The logical thing would be to get psychological help, deal with his demons, and be a functioning human being when Kensi returns.

But he's nowhere near logical right now. Not even close.


	2. Chapter 2

"Deeks!

"Deeks, stop!"

"Detective Deeks, look at me!"

There's no way in hell he's going to stop.

Deeks is angrily walking towards the black Mercedes on loan with his assault rifle dangling from his waist and away from the mansion the team had just raided for anti-air and anti-tank weapons based on an anonymous phone call to the LAPD. The raid is the first time he's ever done a raid with his new partner Tara Liam; a raid that include multiple hitches already in play- the ten angry Uzbekistani men with assault rifles and rocket launchers, the ridiculously large house with hundreds of hiding spots for said men to hide in and Liam's incredible ability to ignore everything that they had planned before executing the raid.

"Detective!"

_If I stop and look at her, I might actually hit her. _Deeks focuses on the back window and can see Liam's reflection from behind him. For a muscular, lanky version of Kensi that seems to saunter slowly everywhere, Liam has somehow caught up to Deeks and his angry speed walking. Deeks pushes forward and pulls out the clicker from his pocket, hoping to make an easy slip into the car.

"Deeks!" Liam suddenly manages a grasp on the back of Deeks' arm and pulls him hard, twisting the detective around and pushing him against the Mercedes. "What the hell was that?"

Deeks pushes Liam away from him, catching the slightest glimpse of Callen and Sam running towards them. " Oh you mean how you went off the plan set by Callen- _go left and take the top floor after confirmation that they cleared the basement. _I was almost killed when you went off rouge!"

"I made a decision and as you being the cop on this team, I expected you to follow through," Liam sneers. She pushes a finger against Deeks' chest. " _You_ could have gotten us killed for not following your superior!"

"Superior?! We're partners, Liam! The only person with rank on the team is Callen!"

"Partners!?" Liam steps back and laughs aloud, " I am a well-respected agent and you are a mopey, sad mistake of a cop who cries and whines when his partner that he banged leaves him!"

"Really, _temp_? You're out of here in four weeks! By the way, how many partners have you screwed over-"

Callen and Sam finally reach the arguing pair and Deeks half expects as least one of them to be on his side. He's put Callen along with Hetty, Granger, and Agent Sabatino on his shit list with Liam at the very top. There's hope for Sam, who's spent the last three weeks keeping a close eye on Deeks.

"Hey, Hey, Hey! Stop it!" Sam calls out as he pulls Liam away from Deeks. The woman puts up a small fight and has to be dragged away from the group towards the other Mercedes. In the meantime, Deeks watches Callen shake his head in disbelief and ask, "What happened?"

"Were you not paying attention on the op?" Deeks snaps angrily. He points over to Liam, who's pacing back and forth by Sam. "She made a dumbass move that almost got me killed."

Callen looks down and his expression makes Deeks' heart drop. It's the _I'm about to say something that's going to piss you off _look. "Are you sure that it wasn't you that made the mistake? I heard on the coms that she made a quick decision and you were slow to react."

_And this is why I don't talk to Callen. _" You're…..you're serious? You are actually blaming me for a mistake someone you don't even know made?!"

"At least I know that her head is clear." Callen pauses and sees an anger he's never seen before spread across Deeks' face.

The detective narrows his eyes and growls, "If I was Kensi, would you be this hard on me?"

"Deeks, you're falling apart! You're irritable, you're making mistakes, and you look like hell! At this moment, follow Liam's lead. She's got her head on straight unlike you."

"Head on straight? So if I was lying dead on the floor because of her _brilliant _decision, would you blame me for that too?"

Callen opens his mouth, but Sam appears at his side and jumps in. He puts his hand up in front of Deeks and states calmly, " Go home."

The detective doesn't need to be told twice. Deeks grinds his teeth in frustration as he unclips his assault rifle and shoves it in Callen's hand. He slips off his vest and tosses it to Sam. The detective walks over to the driver's seat, slides in, and slams the door in frustration. Before he speeds off to God-know's where, Deeks glances up to the rear view mirror to see Sam looking back at him as he if knows exactly what's going on.

_I highly doubt it._

* * *

**2:57am **

"HELP ME! AHHHHH!"

"Marty, look at me!"

He's screaming bloody murder in a nightmare, which is an upgrade from walking around his apartment as a bloody zombie. Yes, he's knee deep in the memories of a case that nearly killed him and violated every sense of his being, but on the bright side- he fell asleep.

"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME! DON'T TOUCH ME! HELP!"

A soft hand touches his face and Deeks' eyes fly open. His neighbor, a retired gray haired woman named Sara, is kneeling next to him with a flashlight in her hand. Deeks can barely see her facial features between his drenched bangs that cover his eyes. He quickly brushes them away before he has to roll onto his side and vomit whatever's left in him onto the floor.

"My, oh my," Sara gasps at the panting, shaking, sweaty Marty Deeks. " I heard you screaming- well, everyone in the unit heard you screaming, and I volunteered to step since you left me your key. My gut is telling me that I shouldn't dial 911 because you'll refuse to get help, am I right?"

_Stop sounding like Hetty! _" M' fine."

"That's a load of crap, Marty," Sara laughs. She presses the back of her hand against his forehead. " You're burning up."

"M'not sick. Just…bad dream."

Sara reaches from behind her and quickly presses a thermometer into Deeks' right ear. She keeps an impressive hold onto the trembling man until the thermometer finally beeps. " 103.6. I'd say you had a flu of some time, but nightmares like this and you sulking every time you walk out that door tells me otherwise. Remember when you called me the Nurse the Night Owl?" Sara gently guides Deeks onto his back, "Talk to me."

_Deeks _is so out of it that he starts talking without a thought. "I feel like I'm drowning."

"What do you mean?"

Deeks inhales deeply and looks to the fan that's slowly whirring above. He has no idea of how the fan was turned on or how he ended up on the floor in the first place. " I'm so screwed up, Sara. I have so many dark secrets about things I've seen and things that's happened to me that it would make any psychiatrist's head spin. I don't deal with these things- I've never had. I just push them down and laugh and joke around to hide the pain. Or have-"

"The brunette that I haven't seen around in a few weeks. Where is she?"

"Some people I trust sent her away for a few weeks. Without Kensi here…distracting me, everything is coming back at me and I feel like I'm drowning in all of it," Deeks ends in a whimper. There's tears running down his face.

"You need to get help, Marty," Sara states softly even though her eyes flash that she knows he won't do so, " In the meantime, is there anyone you can stay with or talk to…besides me?"

Deeks closes his eyes and thinks back to his teammates. Callen and Hetty are automatically off his list of potentials. Sam, who he knows has a lot of concern, is off of his list as he's still shaky in their brand new turn in their friendship. Take off Eric and Nell to keep them innocent, take off Nate because he has no idea of where the psychologist and he's left with one simple answer.

"No."


	3. Chapter 3

**December 10, 2013**

Kensi's been gone for 5 weeks.

That's five weeks of him being alone with his demons. He knows his partner will return in three weeks, but he honestly doesn't think he'll make it another week. The detective's pale skin that's hot like fire, his sluggish movements, and the fact that he's gotten so tiny to where he saw his spine in the mirror the night before puts him in the zombie category. His physical state is becoming so bad that he's beginning to question if he's only getting sick or in all literal sense of the word, deteriorating.

And finally after 40 ½ days, all but one of his teammates are still under the belief that his behavior is because of Kensi's absence- mainly Callen, Hetty, Nell, Liam, and Eric.

Hetty has completely cut the detective off from any field work or even going to the armory. Two days ago, he had to sit in the bullpen alone while Liam, Callen, Sam, and Nell had gone to the field, making him very uncomfortable being alone in the same building with Hetty. Callen had only been a little better than the week before by keeping a respectful distance and a very judging him. Nell and Eric had completely stayed away all together and Liam, being Liam, continued to spend every waking moment insulting and judging Deeks.

Sam , on the other hand, had made such a drastic behavior change towards Deeks since last week that he considers it to be unsettling. There's no way that he had ever predicted Sam to come to his side the way that he has, as proven when Deeks suddenly overhears in the kitchen;

"Hetty, I want to be partnered with Deeks."

Sam's voice echoes from the bullpen and into the kitchen where the detective is sitting, throbbing pain in his hands. He wants to get up and tell Sam to back off, but he's in too much pain to move. The SEAL had moved into protective mode randomly the next morning after Sara had found him in his bedroom. He doesn't exactly know what sparked it, but he has a feeling that Sara may have contacted Sam through his cell phone while he had 'slept'.

"He has a partner, Mr. Hanna."

"He needs a partner who'll actually give a damn about him."

As expected, Liam joins the conversation, " I put up with Detective Deeks-"

"Point proven," Sam says, " Put me with Deeks."

"Your cop doesn't need a new partner," Liam sneers, "He needs a strait jacket. Plus, he doesn't go anywhere- what's the point?"

"It's about being backup for someone whether in the office or in the field. He doesn't have that which is why I'm asking," Sam continues on. Deeks can clearly hear the growing frustration in his voice, but it doesn't seem to dawn on the rest of the team.

"The thing with him and Kensi is being dealt with, Sam," Callen says, "Don't worry-"

"You all really still think this about Kensi."

Sam's words cause a complete silence throughout the bullpen. In the kitchen, Deeks can't help but lift up his head in disbelief- _He knows?!_

"Of course do," Sam mumbles sarcastically. Deeks can hear the sound of a chair being pushed back and footsteps leading towards the kitchen door. The door swings open and Sam walks in, his face showing that he clearly didn't expect to see the detective so quickly after the argument. Sam blinks before he walks over to pull crackers and a water bottle to offer to Deeks, like he's done every day for the past week.

"Don't," Deeks mumbles. Sam places the water and crackers on the table and pushes them towards him. "Not an option."

Deeks slides off the chair in protest and unintentionally stumbles onto the ground. Sam immediately comes around the table and helps Deeks sit against the kitchen island. The detective closes his eyes and holds his head in his hands. " No….you shouldn't do this. Why…are you….being so nice?"

"Because I understand what you're going through," Sam answers. "I had to split ways from Michelle for seven months because of a case. It hurts like hell to lose someone for so long even though she's coming back. I also know that you're a person that's always bounced back from hell way better than normal. As of late, I've always wondered how much hell you've gone through and how you've dealt with it. From what I can see, you probably never had. You're crashing."

_And now everyone knows!_ Deeks lets out a whimper before he suddenly bolts towards the kitchen door. He's out of the kitchen before Sam can even react and sprinting pass Callen and Liam, who are standing at their respective desks. Barely conscious, Deeks staggers into the middle of the bullpen, about halfway between Hetty's desk and theirs. He suddenly stops when everything in his body becomes completely numb.

"Mr. Deeks!"

Hetty calling out his name doesn't register in the detective's mind. The numbness has completely taken over his mind as well- the dark and angry voices and screams that have been echoing in his head all day have disappeared, not as if they faded away, but as if someone had cut the power to his brain. He can't even pull up Kensi's face in his head.

"Look at me."

"Look at me."

The detective's eyes slowly move upwards and all he can see is the blurry image of Callen. From the looks of it, Callen has one arm on his shoulder and a look of actual, pure concern. When his eyes meet with Callen, he unpurses his lips ever so slightly because of the liquid forming in his mouth. Unintentionally, he spits up a dark red glob of blood onto the brown tiles near his feet.

Then the numbness suddenly disappears and the pain returns in full, brutal form.

His knees buckle and Deeks falls into Callen's arms. Callen lands on his back with Deeks laying across his chest while trembling, coughing, and every ten seconds or so-spitting up blood.

"Callen, I got him! I'll carry him to the car."

"Sam, what is this?"

"What do you think this is, G?"

Deeks suddenly feels himself being lifted off of Callen. Tears are forming in his eyes from the sharp pain that's engulfing his body. Through his blurry vision and an oddly placed feel of slow motion, he can see that he's being carried away from the bullpen. Nell, Eric, and a few other staff members are running back and forth between the desks and the stairs. In the midst of the chaos, Deeks can make out the small form of Hetty standing an inch or so away from the blood stain and drops on the floor.

For the first time in three years, Henrietta Lange looks lost and scared to Deeks. As the detective drifts into unconsciousness, he thinks, _Good. _


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: This chapter and the following 3-4 chapters are all considered to be the same day. **

December 10, 2013

_He's standing on a frozen lake._

_Deeks feels the bitter cold of winter air on his cheeks as he stands in his silver winter coat, gloves and scarf. He can see mountains and a dozen evergreen trees surrounding the small frozen lake that he stands on. He'd take a minute to admire the winter beauty he deep down loves to see, but he has to focus on the one thing that stands center of the frozen lake. _

_Kensi._

_She looks gorgeous in her black coat, blue scarf, and hat as she looks up to the snowfall falling around her in wonder just as he did. Kensi doesn't look back at Deeks as she says, "It's so beautiful out here."_

"_Kensi," Deeks calls out in relief. He moves his left foot forward and suddenly hears the cracking of ice below his feet. It's more frightening because he's pretty sure sliding his foot forward can't possibly have caused the ice to crack. _

"_Kens, the ice is cracking!" Deeks yells with his eyes on the ice below him. His partner continues to smile at the snowflakes falling from the sky. Deeks frantically hyperventilate when the crack begins to multiply into two and then three. "I need- you need to run, Kens. The ice is cracking."_

"_I'm so glad you took me here," Kensi whispers. She turns to Deeks and with a soft expression says, " I'm so happy that we're together."_

_Deeks feels his entire body freeze up at her statement. It's a dream- a dream so realistic and so painful at the same time. At the same time of his realization, the ice below his feet won't hold up much longer. "Kensi, move!"_

"_I thought you listened to the Gurkha."_

_The ice inches in front of him suddenly shifts forward and dips into the water. He has seconds left to save her and if there's time, himself as well. "I listened to him, Kens. I was patient and I went slow! It's been so hard- I tried!"_

_Kensi's eyes fall to the cracking ice. "Why didn't you wait?"_

"_I waited!" Deeks looks down to see he's out of time. In the last second before he falls through the ice and into the frigid water, he hears only his ragged, effortless breath. And then nothing. _

In reality, he isn't drowning and thrashing under the three inches of ice. Marty Deeks is slipping in and out of consciousness on the hospital bed he currently lies on. He has no idea of the chaotic car ride from OPS or of the absolutely flabbergasted looks on the emergency room attendants' faces as Sam carried him in. All he knows is that he's drowning and he's not even sure he wants to break out of the ice.

* * *

**7,669 miles away from Los Angeles, California**

Never in her life has Kensi Blye ever felt what she's feeling right now.

She's sitting cross legged at the edge of the small Marine camp on a rock, the agent gripping her assault rifle tightly against the cold mountain air. Thirty seconds ago, she had been feeling the same emotions she's been walking around with for five weeks now- pure, unrelenting anger. She's walked around only talking about work and being irritable to where Granger had to pull her aside and attempt a failed pep talk as if actually care about her welfare.

And then suddenly thirty seconds ago, something had changed.

The feeling hits her fast without warning. The air in her lungs is gone in a millisecond and her heartbeat is blazing out of control. She has to close her eyes and gasp for air while being thankful as hell none of the Marines at the camp can see her.

_Deeks. _

For the past five weeks, Kensi's been able to hear Deeks' goofy, idiotic laughter in her head at all hours of the day. From the mini feast for Thanksgiving to the two incidents around the camp involving gunfire, the agent has heard his voice in the back of her mind;

_Don't do it, Fern. Don't be stupid._

_You know how to do this. Test the air, pick the shot, and do your job. _

_Stop staring at Mr. Muscles over there- he's not me._

_Really? Pasta with oregano AND Twinkies? I'm so proud._

But now, Kensi can't hear his voice. In fact, Kensi stupidly taps her head to make sure the three years of Deeks-isms that's stored in a part of her head hasn't gone on the fritz.

"Marty?" Kensi calls out breathlessly. "Deeks?" she repeats louder. _Shit._

Kensi pulls herself to her feet and sprints as fast as possible down to the weapons tent in the middle of the camp. Because it's so late at night, there's no one to stop and question why the brunette agent is running like a madwoman. Kensi is sprinting in such a haze- she keeps picturing everything as an answer for the loss of his voice from her being away from him too long to a vision of him lying dead on crimson-stained pavement.

"Hey, Blye!"

She doesn't stop.

"Blye!"

Kensi skids to a stop and looks up to see CIA Vostanik Sabatino standing in front of the men's quarters tent to her right. The dark haired agent has a smug smirk on his face as he takes a few steps towards Kensi. From day one at the camp, Sabatino had been watching her from afar like a piece of meat. Along with Granger, Sabatino had become very irritable with Kensi's unfriendly demeanor.

"I'm surprised that you heard me," Sabatino laughs with a slight shake of his head.

Kensi straightens up and glares at him darkly. "What the hell does that mean?"

"Let's just say that some of the guys call you _the cold hearted bitch_," Sabatino's expression softens when he finally takes in her frazzled appearance, "What's wrong?"

"I-I have to find a phone," Kensi stammers. She inhales deeply to help catch her breath. There's no way in hell that she's going to explain to the man who hit on her months ago that her heart's telling her that something might possibly be wrong with Deeks. "I really have to find a phone!"

"You know we can't make phone calls. What is so import-"

"Is that a satellite phone?" Kensi exclaims at the sight of the satellite phone attached to Sabatino's tactical vest.

Sabatino glances down to his vest and then back up to Kensi. "Yes, it's an _emergency_ satellite phone. You can't-"

"Give it to me!" Kensi yells, walking right up to Sabatino. The CIA agent takes a half step back in surprise and cry out, "What's wrong with you?"

"Give me the phone or I swear to God," Kensi warns. She extends her hand out in expectation.

"Fine…fine- Granger probably won't do a damn thing to you about since you've got some kind of a in with him," Sabatino sighs annoyedly. He pulls the phone off of the Velcro on his vest and thrusts the phone into her hand. Kensi whips around and begins walking away from Sabatino, dialing Deeks' phone number as fast as possible. The worst possible thing that Kensi imagines happens- the detective's cell phone goes straight to voicemail without a ring.

_Damn it! _Kensi rips off her gloves and starts dialing Sam's cell phone against the cold air whipping against the camp. The phone rings three times- it feels like the longest three rings of her life. Sam finally answers and his sad, exhausted voice makes Kensi's stomach drop.

"Agent Hanna."

"Where is he?" Kensi cries out, "I just had a feeling- I couldn't hear him-please-please tell me he's ok."

Sam pauses and inhales deeply. Kensi can hear the faint voices of crying babies, couples arguing, and an intercom paging a doctor Kennedy. "Kens, you need to listen to me calmly, ok?"

"Just tell me."

"Deeks fell apart after you left. He got sick and frail and an hour ago, he started spitting up blood-we just brought him into the hospital. Just-just come home!"

Kensi feels her feet go from under her and she lands on her knees. "Is….he…alive?"

"He is for now….I'm so sorry, Kens. We all sat around and blamed it on you leaving," Sam's voices cracks, "I'm so sorry."

Kensi suddenly feels a hand on her shoulder before Sabatino kneels next to her. He slowly takes the phone out of Kensi's hand and begins to talk with Sam. "Agent Hanna, it's Agent Sabatino. What happened…..Oh God…what's the address of the hospital…ok, I'll get her there….don't worry about it-"

Kensi, who's been staring off into space and remembering the apathetic look on Hetty's face on the day she had left, suddenly pulls back into reality and states, "Tell him to put Hetty on the phone."

"She wants to talk to Hetty," Sabatino tells Sam. He hands the phone over to Kensi and jogs off towards the men's tent. Kensi pulls the phone close to her ear to hear a shuffling noise over the phone before Hetty answers, "Miss Blye."

"Whatever happens- whether he lives or dies- I will never forgive you for this," Kensi states with her voice shaking. She doesn't wait for a response and ends the call. Sabatino suddenly returns to her side with a wad of Afghanistan Afghanis and U.S dollars, a blank passport, and map with Kabul International Airport circled in red.

"Granger is off with Lieutenant Michelson at the other end of camp. If you take the north entrance and tell the guard I sent you," Sabatino explains in a low voice, " it'll be an hour walk to the airport. Look for a man named Alik Shakya at Ariana Afghan Airlines and he'll call me to verify you on the flight. Use the cash to pay for the ticket, food, and some clothes to look less official. The gun you'll carry will be checked in. Call me the moment you land. I'll cover Granger for you."

Kensi takes the map, cash, and passport in her hands. " Why are you doing this? Why are you helping me?"

"Because a woman who knows when something's wrong 8000 miles away is a woman in love," Sabatino states. " He's good for you- go be with him."

"Thank you," Kensi whispers tearfully before she pockets the item and gets to her feet. She begins jogging towards the north entrance, not stopping to grab her bag. It took her 17 hours to get here- it's going to take the longest 17 hours of her life to get back to her Deeks.


	5. Chapter 5

When Callen was fifteen, he had to write a report on Friedrich Nietzsche's famous quote, _"Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you."_

Like any teenager in a philosophy course, he had outwardly blown it off while keeping the quote close to his heart. It had helped him through his years in the CIA and his years at NCIS. He had spent half his life adamant to not becoming a monster and now as he sits in his shirt that's drenched in Deeks' blood in the bathroom at a local hospital, he's pretty sure he failed.

The lead agent sits in such a comatose like daze as he sits with his back against a stall door. As if planned ahead of time, the flickering lights in the cramped two stall bathroom add to the sickening despair and guilt he's feeling.

"_Which-which hospital?"_

"_I don't care, G! Just drive!"_

Callen's head shoots up when he remembers the chaotic screaming in the car on the way to the hospital. The screaming and chaos- he's been through seriously shitty moments where bullets have flown and hard decisions had to be made.

This, however, is different. Watching a teammate spit up blood and nearly go into convulsions on the hospital bed, especially after the countless opportunities for him to have stepped in was too much. Deeks crying out in tears before passing out was the final nail in his guilt ridden coffin. No, actually it was Sam's, "You still think this was about Kensi," comment that had him bolting out of the ER waiting room and to the most isolate, darkest place in whatever hospital he's sitting in.

Callen takes a second to observe the desolate bathroom. The sole sink has the faucet pouring a steady stream of questionably clean water into the stained basin. He had turned it on when he had burst through the doors with the full intention on rinsing his face off with water. Unfortunately, looking up into the mirror and seeing the blood made him stagger back, hit the stall door and slide to the ground at the sight of the blood on his shirt.

"Damn, damn, DAMN it!" Callen yells before dropping his head in his hands. Why the hell didn't he do anything, say anything?

"_Deeks, I don't want you here."_

Oh yeah, that. And that stupid comment had been before Kensi left.

"_G, enough. I'm tired of hearing you complain about Deeks. Leave him alone."_

It's a true wonder in Callen's eyes that Sam, who hadn't trusted Deeks until four months ago, defending Deeks hadn't been a massive red flag. Callen lightly bangs his head against the stall door behind him. _When did I turn into an apathetic maniac with their eye solely on the prize? _

_Sidarov_.

Callen looks forward and stares darkly at his reflection in the mirror. Nothing has been the same since crossing paths with the son of a bitch that willingly wanted to engage in selling nukes for cash with a side benefit of inciting chaos around the world. It's the same son of a bitch that Callen handed over a Navy SEAL and a detective with a now very questionable mental stability over on a silver platter.

_I've been doubting every decision I've made ever since and it's gotten Deeks almost killed twice. _Callen wipes his face once more and then brushes the sweat, snot, and what may be the remnants of a tear or two onto his jeans. He then slowly pulls off the blue long sleeve shirt over his head and tosses it onto the tiled floor. Even with it inside out, Callen can see the dark red stains all over the shirt.

Now in a thin white undershirt, Callen doesn't know what to do next. He can't go back to the surgery room and face Sam and the judging doctors and nurses. He definitely can't go back to the surgery because he also can't take the despondent stare from Nell and the slight rocking every few minutes from Eric. He won't find Hetty because he doesn't want to even fathom what the operations manager is up to at a time like this.

So he's left with one choice- sit and wait.

Sit and wait to see if he's responsible for allowing one of the bravest and kindest man he's ever met deteriorate into darkness.

* * *

"Family of Marty Deeks."

Sam is the first one out of his chair and up to the front desk of the emergency room. In the thirty minutes since first arriving, he's been leaning forward in his chair while anxiously pulling at his nail to keep himself occupied. He had also tried his hardest to have 'peace of mind' while waiting since he knows that if spent even half a thought on the detective's possible state, he'd lose his mind. Now, he's standing in front of the lanky, red-headed doctor with a million questions and million bad scenarios running through his mind.

"Sorry, family only," the doctor says, very wary of Sam's appearance. Sam blinks and realizes that he's spent the last minute staring at the doctor with his mouth open, a crazed look in his eyes, and in his now bloody brown long sleeve shirt.

"….'m family- I mean he doesn't have any family by blood but I'm family- or I represent the family-actually if you want to-"Sam stops himself and swallows hard with his eyes closed. He sounds like a complete idiot, which considering that it took him four weeks to help Deeks, the title fits the part. When Sam reopens his eyes, the doctor is staring at him with even more caution as if he expects Sam to suddenly go crazy.

_Reasonable fear,_ Sam thinks before he reaches for his badge in his back pocket. He flashes it at the doctor and states, "Marty Deeks is a team member of mine and we're the only family he's got."_ I shouldn't even be allowed to use that word. _

"We're?"

Sam flinches when he remembers that the family he's referring to is all over the hospital, Los Angeles, and the world. Nell and Eric had been sitting with him in the waiting room earlier until Nell had suddenly had bolted out of the room with Eric on her heels. He hadn't heard anything from Hetty from the moment Deeks had collapsed- no phone calls, text- nothing. It's a major red flag that he'll deal with later after finding his partner who had also bolted once Deeks had been rolled away on a gurney. And of course- he hadn't heard anything from Kensi since their phone call fifteen minutes ago.

"There are more of us, but we're all- we screwed up on this and we're not handling it very well. Right now, it's just me," Sam finally answers. He dreads the next question with a burning passion, but it has to be asked, "How is he?"

"I think we should talk somewhere private-"

"Tell me now," Sam blurts out, "Is he alive?"

The doctor sighs and Sam nearly has a heart attack. "Mr. Deeks is holding, but he needs surgery immediately. We can't tell what's causing him to split up blood without going in to see the problem up close. What I can tell you right now is that he's very delirious and has a slight fever. He's been in and out of consciousness within the last half an hour and keeps mentioning very…peculiar things in his state."

Sam crosses his arms and unconsciously shoots the doctor a glare, "What do you mean by peculiar?"

"Is there someone named Kensi in his life?"

"She's his…his girlfriend," Sam replies and it feels weird. He had made a bet once on who would be the first to give Deeks 'the talk' and scare the living daylights out of the detective. Without it, officially acknowledging the two as a couple didn't seem right. "She's flying from overseas to get here as fast as possible."

The doctor nods and steps aside to let an antsy father follow his pregnant wife to the front desk. "Well, he called out for her to move from the ice and then something about a frozen lake."

_That sounds so familiar…._" I'll look into it, doctor…."

"Andrews," the doctor extends his hand out and Sam shakes it with a weak smile. "Mr. Deeks also mentioned cyanide a few times."

Sam opens his mouth and then closes it quickly. He's never heard Deeks talk about a cyanide related case from his days back in LAPD. It quickly dawns on him that unless it's related to Max Gentry or any related LAPD cases, Sam knows absolutely nothing about Deeks' past cases.

"I'll look into it," Sam replies, "How- what are his chances?"

"My professional opinion says that this is a touch and go because we don't know what we're dealing with," Andrews takes a step closer to Sam and adds in a lower voice, "In my personal opinion, it's all on him. We can hope and pray that they'll pull through, but it's all on him right now."


	6. Chapter 6

**Kabul International Airport**

"Welcome to Ariana Afghan Airlines- my name is Alik Shakya. How can I help you?"

She can't speak.

As Kensi finds herself standing in front of the short, bearded man that Sabatino had told her to look for, she finds that she can't speak. It's part of the numbness that took over the moment she had stepped out of the camp. Everything became a blur as she walked alone through the cold, mountain air through an open field, into the city, and up to the airport. Her feet are numb from the not-made-for-walking boots she wore, her legs feel like jelly from the long walk, her hands and cheeks feel as if they had become frostbitten, and her brain is on the fritz from an overload of memories from her ten days with Deeks.

And now that she had finally made it to the airport, she can't bring herself to speak.

"Miss?" Shakya calls out. He cocks his head at the brunette, who's rocking slightly with her mouth slightly agape. She opens and closes her mouth awkwardly as her brain is once more overloaded with memories.

"_This feels weird," Kensi laughs_ _nervously as she leans back into Deeks' arms. The detective wraps his arms around her body and kisses her shoulder. _

"_Good weird or bad weird?" Deeks asks in between kisses. _

"_Excellent weird."_

"Oh…I know who you are," Shakya pulls out a ticket folder from under his desk. He opens the folder and places it on the top of the desk and looks up to see the brunette blinking anxiously with her mouth still open. He places a hand on her hand to see tears welling up in her eyes. Shakya guides her towards the opening between the second and third booth.

"Hand me your weapon so I can check it,"Shakya asks. When Kensi continues to stare blankly, Shakya takes the Sig from her vest and places it into a silver case. He places the case to the side and says, " This will be checked for both of your flights. Your first flight to Munich leaves within the hour."

Kensi nods feverently and finally musters up a, " Thank you." She can see Deeks' smile in her mind, his bright, beautiful idiotic smile. "You don't know how much I appreciate this."

"The man who called me said that the man you love is dying. He'll live."

Tears begin welling up in Kensi's eyes. " How do you know? How do you know that he's not already….."

"Because I just know," Shakya states. He places a hand on Kensi's back and guides her towards security, " I wish the best of luck."

_Can you wish that I can get one more day with him? Because if I don't, I don't know what I'll do next, _Kensi thinks as she starts her walk to security. When she reaches security, a part of the numbness returns. At this moment, it's a comfort for her not to feel anything because there's too much emotions and worry that she could feel at this moment.

Too much.

7,669 miles away in Los Angeles, Dr. Matthew Andrews briskly makes his way down through the basement level of the hospital, looking for a quiet spot for someone to sit. He's just finished speaking with the surgeon who'll do the surgery on the detective and now needs somewhere to sit for five minutes. He's a stoic man with a reputation of never letting his emotions get to him, but this case is different. The guilt on Sam and the others he had seen briefly is alarming and heartbreaking.

"One…..two…three…"

Andrews stops and backs up when he passes the bathroom door. He can hear a low voice counting quietly as if the man were alone. Andrews can't help but push the door open in caution to see if he needs to call security or comfort someone. He finds the blue eyed man that had come with the detective's family sitting against a stall.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Andrews takes note of the bloody shirt on the ground, "I'm your friend's doctor-"

"Is he dead?" the man asks blankly.

"No-oh, no…."

"Callen."

"Callen- Marty is alive and we're taking him up to surgery to do an exploratory surgery very soon. Do you want me to grab you a scrub shirt?" Andrews asks. He's always found the basement level to be as cold as a winter night back in his hometown Chicago.

Callen nods and extends his legs out onto the floor. Andrews can see a shell of a man- an empty, lost individual sitting on regret, guilt, and fear. He can see that Callen is in much worse condition then Sam upstairs.

_Buzz. _Andrews feels the pager in his pocket go off. He doesn't need to check it to know that the surgeon is ready for the detective. Callen's eyes widen at the sound of the pager and Andrews immediately goes into damage control mode.

"I believe it's the surgeon and he's ready," Andrews states, "Let's head up-"

"I can't go up there," Callen says with a flinch, "I'm a special agent who's seen things that you wouldn't be able to handle, but right now I'm actually scared. I can't go up there- I'm just-I need to sit for a bit more."

Andrews nods slowly and a slightly- breaking- hospital- policy idea suddenly pops in his head. " Is there something you want me to tell your friend?"

Callen continues a stare at the basin of the sink. "Tell him I'm sorry."

Upstairs, Dr. Andrews walks down the hallway and into the waiting room area where he can once more see Sam Hanna standing directly in the middle of the chairs of the room. There's a new addition in the room- a short redhead is sitting directly behind Sam, rubbing her eyes every few minutes. Andrews saw the same redhead when the detective was brought in, but she had disappeared as quickly as the others. He knows that he needs to be in the emergency wing ASAP, but he wants to offer the same courtesy he gave to Callen.

"Mr. Hanna," Andrews calls out as he approaches Sam, "We're going to take Mr. Deeks up to surgery now. Is there anything you want me to tell him?"

"You can do that?" the redhead exclaims. She jumps up out of her seat and runs up to Andrews. "Tell him that all of us are so sorry and that we love him."

"Tell him that Kensi's coming," Sam states and it causes the redhead to look up at Sam in disbelief. Sam looks down to her and explains, "She somehow just knew and called me about an hour ago, Nell. She's coming. Dr. Andrews, let him know more than anything that his partner is coming."

"I'll do that," Andrews replies. He gives Nell and Sam a nod before making his way to the emergency wing doors. He opens the doors just in time to Dr. Harry Pearce follow a team of nurses and surgeon wheeling Deeks towards the elevator at the end of the hallway. Andrews jogs up to the moving group and calls out, "Wait!"

"Andrews, we need to move!" Pearce yells back. Andrews puts his hand on the arm of the gurney and the group stops with groans of protest and annoyance.

"It'll only take a second." Andrews looks down to Deeks, who's lying unconscious and almost perfectly still in the bed. Andrews nods as if to reassure himself before he says, "Mr. Deeks, I don't know you and may not be the best person to say this to you, but you have people out there that are praying for you desperately. And Kensi is coming- I overheard the conversation myself. She's coming."

Andrews stands back and watches the rapid eye movement under the detective's eyelids. He can't help but wonder what might be going on in Deeks' mind…..

_He's still on the frozen lake. _

_To be more specific, the detective is thrashing under the thick ice above him. He's taking in water as he tries to scream for help for anyone near. He knows he's dreaming by now and wishes that Kensi or whoever pops up in his head appears in the water and pull him out. _

"_She's coming."_

_The voice that echoes around him is a calm, comforting male voice. He doesn't recognize the voice and doesn't fully trust it. If it's referring to Kensi returning from Afghanistan in real life, there's no way it could be true. It couldn't possibly be true. _

_He doesn't have to wait long to find out._

_A hand suddenly gets a hold of his collar and yanks backwards and then upwards above the surface of the water. He's pulled forward onto the ice by Kensi; he doesn't know how and doesn't care. Kensi stands back before sitting down on the ice in ease as if she didn't weigh a pound. Deeks shivers and looks up to her, deathly afraid to move and possibly cause the ice to crack again. _

"_K-k-k-kens?"_

"_Yeah?" Kensi smiles as she sits cross-legged across from him._

"_Was the voice my imagination?"_

"_You tell me."_

_Deeks closes his eyes as he continues to shiver a little more violently. "I'm not sure."_

"_Then how would I know?"_

_He never thought 'Dream Kensi' would be so much of a smart ass. Deeks opens his eyes and realizes that tears are beginning to form in his eyes. "Can I tell you a secret?"_

"_Go ahead." _

"_I'm so tired, Kensi. I'm tired of being the screw up. I'm tired of all the stupid sniggers about me being a crap cop and an idiot. I'm tired of all the demons and the dark thoughts running around in my mind- I just want everything to stop. I don't want to walk around with a fake smile on my face anymore- I'm so tired….so tired."_

_Kensi keeps an apathetic expression. "Are you telling me that you're giving up?"_

_Deeks wipes away the tears on his cheek. "You tell me."_


	7. Chapter 7

December 10, 2013

"My God….Carter, take a look at this! How has this man been walking around with this much bleed in his system?"

"I'm counting one..two…three heavily bleeding ulcers for starters. Mary, how's his heart rate and blood pressure?"

"A hell of a lot lower than I'd like. He's hovering around 70/40- any lower and I'll have to step in. His heart rate is rising though. Pearce, his insides look like hell. What did the family say happened to him?"

"They claim stress. This looks bad….. He'll be lucky if he makes it off this table."

As the group of surgeons work tirelessly on the ill detective, Deeks continues to struggle subconsciously….

"_So this is it? You're giving up on us, our friends, and your life?" Kensi asks. Her tone continues to be impassive, too impassive for hearing that Deeks is nearly suicidal. Deeks wraps his arms around his body and shivers from the soaking cold jacket and hat. _

"_I don't know, Kens…I just-" Deeks looks up to the sky and narrows his eyes when he realizes that the light, gentle snowfall has been replaced by dark, gray clouds. He doesn't hear the male voice anymore or the breeze that had continuously been blowing around him. "I'm so tired of hurting."_

"_What do you mean?" There's a slight smugness on her face that he doesn't like. He ignores it and continues on, " I've always been hurting, Kens. Every day I have to force myself to smile and joke so I don't have to deal with the thoughts in my head. For as long as I can remember, I see myself as worthless, useless, basically-crap. I feel like happiness for me will never happen. Look at us- every day I walk around praying that I don't wake up and find that you and I were just a dream."_

"_Are you sure?" Kensi suddenly stands up and brushes the snow off her pants. Deeks can suddenly hear a child's laughter somewhere off in the distance. He can't place it where, when or how but he knows that laughter; he knows it so well. _

"_That's you laughing as a child," Kensi states with wonder. "You're six and playing tag with Jonny James, the six year old who was your partner in crime before you met Ray." The child's laughter disappears as quickly as it had come and is replaced by Deeks' wondrous laughter as an adult. It makes Deeks close his eyes to stop himself from breaking into tears again._

"_What about when you were an adult? How about when you met me?" She holds out her hand to him and he reluctantly takes it. She helps him to her feet and when Deeks catches his bearings, he sees the sky darken even more. _

"_I've had good moments, but the voices," Deeks replies with his attention on the darkening sky, " The abuse and all of it, Kens! I don't think I can do it anymore!"_

"_You've been through a lot, Marty," Kensi says softly. She turns away and begins making her way across the ice, saying, " The abuse as a child, the mocking in LAPD and NCIS, the thing that happened in college, and then….."_

_Deeks cringes as he knows what coming up next. It's the most destructive that's happened to him in his life time. He's had six years of trying to run from it and now he's going to have to face it._

"_The worst day of your life."_

In the waiting room, Sam is about four seconds away from losing his mind.

He's been mixing it up between pacing in circles around the waiting room to sitting and rubbing his chin in frustration. Deeks has been in surgery for three hours and there's been no news. Not a sneak preview, not a quick update and not even a _here's what happening in your neck of the woods_ shutout over the intercom. The 'no news is good news' is beginning to sound like crap, in the SEAL's opinion. He's about to burst into the surgery wing when he sees Callen at the waiting room entrance.

Callen slowly makes hi ways over to Sam like a lost child about to get punished. When he reaches Sam's side, he mumbles, "Is he-"

"Sit down," Sam snaps without looking up at Callen. The lead agent half nods and slides into the chair next to Sam. He rubs his hands and looks over to Sam with puppy eyes and asks, "I'm sorr-"

"Don't apologize to me. You have nothing to apologize to me for."

"Where is he?"

Sam inhales deeply and slowly lets out a huff of air. "He's in surgery- they don't know what's making him bleed to- nearly bleed to death so they're doing exploratory surgery. Odds aren't good, G. The doctor believes that his survival is all on Deeks…..emotionally distraught Deeks. I told the doctor to tell him that Kensi's on her way."

"You lied?" Callen's pretty sure that there's no possible way Sam had contact with Kensi and not him.

"She knew- she called about half hour after we got to the ER," Sam chuckles, "Kensi just knew…..that's love, G, that's love. She's thousands of miles away and yet she just knew that Deeks was hurting. They're a true love story."

Callen blinks the tears away furiously that's forming in his eyes. He's never had a love story like Sam and Michelle or Deeks and Kensi. And because of it, it might cause them to lose Deeks. "Maybe it's time for me to step away from this. I'm too jaded- I'm too jaded for this job anymore, Sam."

Sam finally turns to look at his partner in annoyance. "Don't pull a Hetty on me, G! You screwed up and you and me and the rest of the team have to fix our mistakes. We have to hope and pray that he pulls through. You don't get to run from this."

"How? I broke his trust on so many levels."

"Well for starters, your bed side manner sucks," Sam says lightly. He smiles when there's a tiny spark in agent's eyes.

Callen scratches his head and says, "I thought being less jaded would be number one."

"We'll get you that later."

"Hmmm…." Callen sits forward in his chair and asks, " Would you fight if you were Deeks?"

"Honestly?" Sam states, " No."

**OPS Center**

Henrietta Lange enters the barely lit weapons cache room.

No agents or analysts are in the building after her detective's collapse. There was no real reason to evacuate the entire building but Hetty needed them gone. Although she is a woman feared...very feared, she's very aware of judging and curious eyes. Right now she's too shaken to deal with those judging eyes and maintain the _doubt me and you'll be dead before you know it_ persona.

She clicks on the room light and watches the room slowly brighten to its usual, warm glow. Hetty inhales deeply and her mind quickly wonders back to the first failed attempt at speaking with Deeks the day after Kensi had left. The detective had blatantly lied that he was ok even as Hetty had watched him struggle to stay awake in the middle of a marathon gun cleaning.

"Forgive me, Marty," Hetty whispers softly. She should be at the hospital, waiting to see if her once eccentric detective was going to live. However, there's something that's taking precedent over everything in this moment. It's the catalyst for everything- the reason for Deeks' panic attacks over cyanide, the real reason she handed Kensi over to Granger to find 'White Ghost and why Hetty made up a position to get Deeks out of LAPD as an agent or not.

Henrietta Lange pulls a file from the unknown, thin locked file under the side table near the door. Only two other people on the planet know about what's in the file until now.

The Bearson case.


	8. Chapter 8

Sam is about five minutes into a much needed nap when he's awaken by Dr. Andrews.

The first thing he does is curses mentally as he slowly comes to in the makeshift bed of two chairs being pushed together. When he sees the tired face of Andrews looking down at him, he takes back the curse and sits straight up in the first chair. When he has his bearings and suddenly remembers that he was supposed to look into Deeks' relation to cyanide, he can't help but mutter, "Shit."

"I know you're not happy to see me, but you could at least humor me," Andrews states in a calm tone. Sam rubs his face and is thankful as hell that Andrews and his calm and focused personality is with them. The agent takes a quick glance around the room to see Callen sleeping on the floor next to the water fountain and Nell curled up under her jacket under the TV. An interesting sight is to see Eric for the first time in almost 12 hours, nodding off next to his own partner.

"Sorry, I was supposed to figure out the thing you told me about and it slipped my mind," Sam says.

"Well, you're allowed a slip up-"

"No, I'm not," Sam replies sharply, cutting off the doctor mid-sentence. He shakes his head almost immediately after in regret. " I mean that I can't afford any more screw ups with Deeks."

"Hmmm…..well, I have some news on Detective Deeks," Andrews states. He points to the empty chair next to Sam, "May I?"

"Of course." Sam watches Andrews sit down and look over to him. Andrews begins by saying, " They're about six and a half hours into the surgery and the surgeons are concerned with what they found. Four sources of bleedings from stomach ulcers, low blood pressure, erratic heart rate- it's most likely that-"

"Deeks had been walking around bleeding to death for weeks," Sam mutters. He feels his eyes well up so he closes them tight. He's the leader of the back right now, the one who can't fall apart. It takes every ounce of will to put up emotional walls to keep caring Sam at bay. Right now, he has to be a man with a mission- find out the detective's connection to cyanide, keep tab on Kensi's flight back, pray a little more for Deeks, and snap some sense into Callen.

Simple enough.

"I'm going to talk to my team about this," Sam states and Andrew nods in agreement. He gives Sam a slight nod in acknowledgement before he rises from the chair and heads to the emergency wing doors. Sam rubs his head anxiously before stands and walks to his partner's side.

"G," Sam calls out softly. Callen jerks awake violently and mumbles, "He…ok…Sam?"

"Stand up. We need to talk."

Callen holds out a hand and Sam takes it before he quickly pulls Callen to his feet. Callen brushes the dust that's been collecting on his thighs for the last hour or so and says, "Ok. What's happened?"

Sam regrets what he's going to say next because he knows it's going to revert Callen back into the despondent mess he was earlier. "The surgeons found stomach ulcers and his body is very weak. They think….that Deeks has had those bleeding ulcers for a while."

Callen's eyes widen and before he can sit down, lean against the wall or go into a fit, Sam exclaims, "Don't- don't. Remember we talked about taking responsibility for this. We all are responsible for Deeks' health."

"Yeah," Callen agrees softly. He swallows hard and nods his head a few extra times in agreement.

"There's another thing-"

"The things he said in the car?"

"You noticed?"

Callen nods again. " He kept saying _I'm sorry_ and that he'll make it right. It's got to be an old case….I hope. What's our next move?"

Sam looks over to the sleeping analysts in the chairs on the opposing wall. "Let's hope and pray that Kensi calls to let us know where she is. I'll call around to see if anyone can find her. In the meantime…you call Bates and get his ass to bring us Deeks' full file. I don't care or know where Hetty is so he's our only link to Deeks' past. Let the wonder twins rest."

"On it." As Sam watches Callen walk to the main foyer, he can't help wonder, _Why do I get the feeling that what we're going to find is ten times worse than I hope it is?_

* * *

**Flughafen ****München- Munich International Airport**

"Welcome to Munich, Germany. It is -2 degree Celsius outside and the local time is 2:47am. As you can see we are arriving an hour ahead of schedule…."

It's the fastest and smoothest flight that she's ever been on.

She's glad because if she had been on that plane any longer she would have lost it. Kensi is actually shaking when the 747 taxis up to the smallest terminal in the airport. She can feel tears forming in her eyes as she waits for an arguing couple to decide how to pull down their luggage from the overhead bin in front of her. When she follows the passengers into the terminal, Kensi Marie Blye is a comforting hand on the shoulder away from losing it.

With a forty minute layover, Kensi starts wandering her way past the line of tourist shops that lead towards her next location- an American Airlines gate for the flight directly to Los Angeles. Seeing small trinkets and colorful tourism shirts calms the agent down for the moment. It gets her to not think about the thing that made her nearly lose it on the flight.

_He could die before I make it back. Every step I take closer to Los Angeles means I'm closer to possibly losing him._

She wanders into small shop filled with travel and emergency items. A snow globe of Munich's local Allianz Arena catches her eye and she smiles at the memory of Deeks and the team watching a German-British soccer game.

"_That's their stadium? Cool- It's like a giant ring or disco ball!"_

"Someday we'll see that 'giant disco ball, partner," Kensi says softly before she moves towards the back of the shop. She's much calmer now, so calm that she thinks that she can handle another phone call home. The agent breathes in heavily while dialing Sam's phone number.

"Agent Hanna."

"Hey, it's me," Kensi replies in an unexpected tearful voice. She places her hand on her hip and tries to get her mind back to the calm, happy times during that soccer game.

"Oh, thank God you called," Sam says in relief and it makes Kensi start to tremble once more. " Where are you?"

_I'm losing control….go back to the game. Think about how happy you and him were. _" I'm in Munich….the-the airport. What's wrong? Something happened, didn't it?"

"He's in surgery still and the surgeons are finding that he's weak and in simple terms- rough condition," Sam says.

"I'm not going to make it back in time."

"Kensi-"

Kensi begins shaking violently and almost knocks over a pile of white tee shirts. "I'm not-I'm-we only had days, Sam, DAYS! He's going to die and I won't-I won't-"

"Kensi, listen to me. Pull it together!" Sam calls out sternly. Kensi lowers herself until she's kneeling inches from the ground. The lone store manager who had given Kensi a flirty toothless smile as she came in is now walking towards her cautiously.

"Listen to me, closely, Kens," Sam tells her. Kensi can barely pull herself to nod before Sam continues, " You _will_ make back here in time. Tell me your flight number."

"American Airlines Flight 4726," Kensi stammers, "We leave in 35 minutes."

"Good….good. Now I want you to tell me where you are."

"A-a trinket shop in the airport."

"Ok. Find something in the store- something that you can use as a safety item. Make it something about Deeks. Once you do that, walk straight to the gate and ask if you can upgrade to a first class where you aren't bunched up with a million people. Do you have cash?"

Kensi slowly pulls herself to her feet and begins scanning the room for anything. " Yeah-yeah, I have two hundred left."

"OK. I'm going to stay on the phone with you the entire time-"

"Sam, you're so calm."

"I'm not as calm as you think, but someone has to be. See anything?"

Kensi turns around with her eyes scanning over the snow globes, the sweater, and then something that's so perfect. She takes the item in hands and has to hold back a cry. "I found it, Sam, and it has Deeks all over it. It's just like my favorite picture of him."

"What is it?"

Kensi turns the item in her hand with wonder. "It's a plush camel."


	9. Chapter 9

_Beep-beep-beep._

Dr. Pearce looks away from the screen displaying what the endoscopy, a tiny camera on a wire, shows of the ulcers and takes a moment to listen to his patient's erratic heart rate, the most prominent noise in the room. Everyone moves elegantly and quietly as they move into hour ten of working on the detective. It's unusual for his normal chatty surgical team and he knows that it isn't just out of respective for the man being a police officer.

Across from him, his anesthesiologist Mary turns around on her swivel stool and finds herself staring at the patient's face- the faint trace of a bruise near his chin, the obvious childhood scar at the very top of his forehead and his eyes. She's always found the eyes to be the best give away on what kind of experience the patient is having while under sedation. The young man's eyes flicker under his eyelids quickly back and forth.

Mary can't help but lean forward and whisper, "What's going on in that head of yours?"

* * *

_He's completely losing it. _

_Deeks is on his knees, hyperventilating and grasping at his chest for air. Something's clicked in his brain and six years- 2195 days- of the pure fear, anger and pain suddenly explodes on him. His environment is changing with his emotions- thunder is echoing through the dark, angry clouds and the bitter, icy windy whips around his body causing his already wet body to feel pain that he can't even put into words. _

"_Deeks."_

_He can hear her voice above him and unlike every other moment in his life, it doesn't help. _

"_Look at me."_

_Deeks lets out a cry and drops his head to his knees. There's a moment from that terrible day that he causes him to sob uncontrollably like a child- three men standing in front of him, a fire blaze that'll cause him undeniable pain, and a haunting, devious smile._

_No other features but a haunting, devious smile._

"_Stop it!" Kensi's voice echoes through the wind and suddenly everything stops. Deeks can now only hear his shaky breathing in between his sobs. "You're scared."_

"_Stop acting like some robot, Kens!" Deeks suddenly yells. His head shoots up and as he smacks her hand away, he glares darkly at his partner. "I need you to stop acting like-like whatever you're acting like and help me! Help me figure out….." he swallows hard, "Give me reason to fight, Kens because I honestly don't know if I can take any of this anymore. What do I do?"_

_When he looks up, his question is answered. He's completely alone on the frozen lake with the only visible thing being a small patch of snow on the ice a few yards away. _

"_Kensi!"_

_The silence that answers back destroys him. _

Back in the surgery room, Mary is returning her attention back to the chart in her hand to record Deeks' heart rate and blood pressure when the melodic heart beat that's been echoing around the room for the last ten hours suddenly becomes one long beep.

"He's crashing!"

_In his head, Deeks screams and sobs loudly over the whipping wind. Something tells him- he doesn't know of whether it's his imagination, hearing voices from the outside world or just a product of the environment, but Deeks opens one eye and sees the same patch of snow from earlier. It's the same patch of snow that Kensi had been standing on earlier. _

"_Don't leave me here alone," he whispers as he reaches forward to pull himself up. If he can reach that patch, it might bring back Kensi. _

_And if it doesn't, he's done._

* * *

"Hetty?" Nell squeaks when the operations manager suddenly walks into the emergency wing waiting room. She's the last person Nell and Sam expect to see and for Sam in particular, the last person he wants to see. Before opening his mouth and saying something he'll regret down the road, Sam takes a minute to observe Hetty's state. The only thing out of sorts for her is that Hetty's trademark calm stride has been replaced with a slow and aching walk.

"How is he?" Hetty asks, placing her hands behind her back. Sam chews the inside of his mouth and feels anger boiling in his blood. He's happy that he's sitting next to Nell, who's always been calm and collected in times of stress.

"Why are you here?" Nell squeaks. There's no calm and collected in her at this time.

"Why wouldn't I be here for Mr. Deeks?" Hetty replies, clearly insulted by the question.

"Because you haven't been here for the last 10 hours or even the last five weeks," Sam finally says. He stands up and walks past Hetty without another word and soon finds himself in the hallway leading to the cafeteria and the main entrance. Oddly as if on cue, Callen appears at the end of the hallway, walking towards Sam with only a small USB drive in his hand. There's no giant file that Sam had expected to see in Callen's hand.

"What are you doing out here? Did something happen?" Callen calls out anxiously. He jogs up to Sam side and continues, "Is Deeks ok?"

"Yeah, yeah…" Sam cups his left hand on his neck before he slides it off of his neck. "It's just Hetty finally showed up out of nowhere. I don't trust myself around her. How did your trip to LAPD go?"

Callen's face falls and is replaced by a scowl. He holds up the USB and replies, " I had to basically open an imaginary federal investigation and threaten to arrest him for interfering with a federal investigation before he handed me this. I might have also gotten Deeks fired from LAPD."

"Did you bring up Hetty? I'm pretty sure that he's still scared shitless of Hetty."

"That's where it got interesting," Callen pockets the USB drive and pulls Sam over to the side of the hallway. He lowers his voice and says, "He was arrogant and smug until I threatened him with the investigation. He suddenly went quiet and told me that some things that have been buried should stay buried. Hetty has to know something."

"You do it because I can't," Sam mutters. He slides down against the wall and closes his eyes. "I'm going to need a moment to close my eyes."

"In the hallway?" Callen asks. Sam twitches slightly and a loud snore erupts from the agent. It's the second most unique way that Callen has found Sam asleep- the first was in the middle of a pew on their stint as undercover priests. He ponders taking another photo to add to his collection, but he changes his mind at the memory of the USB drive. Callen wanders back into the emergency wing where he finds Nell sitting alone.

"Where's Hetty?" Callen asks exhaustedly.

"I'm right here, dear," Hetty answers, appearing behind Callen. The lead agent whips around, 110% that it's impossible for her to appear there. Hetty walks around Callen and peers up to him.

"Just speaking with Dr. Andrews regarding Mr. Deeks' state," She pauses and cocks her head slightly, " Nothing to add?"

"You and I are in the same boat. I have nothing to hold over your head….yet." Callen pulls out the USB drive from his pocket and holds it up in front of Hetty. " Deeks has been mentioning-"

"A classified subject that we won't discuss here."

"How bad is the information on this drive that I have to worry about Deeks not fighting to live?" His piercing blue eyes send an additional message- _What the hell did you do?_

Hetty closes her head and nods faintly. It's the weakest she's ever appeared to anyone in her life. "Very concerned. If I were you, I'd wait for Miss Blye before you go through that file."


	10. Chapter 10

"Charge it again!"

Pearce holds his breath as he watches his partner surgeon press the defibrillator charge button. His patient has been in cardiac arrest for forty- seven seconds; every second that passes brings him closer to losing another patient. He had been calm and collective all day, but now he feels his heart racing as the heart monitor continues to show a flat line…..

* * *

_She's not there._

_When Deeks reaches the small patch of snow, Kensi doesn't show. _

_The disappointment feels worse than a gunshot as he sits on his knees alone, surrounded by whirling angry winds, bitter cold, and darkness. Tears roll down his cheeks as he quietly sobs and tries to process everything._

_He tried and she didn't come. He's done._

_No more pain, no more nightmares, no more tears._

_No more heartbreakingly impossible love stories, no more pleasing people who don't care, no more inadequacy. He's done._

_Deeks closes his eyes and drops onto his side, landing hard on his arm. The pain doesn't register as he decides to just lie where he is and wait for everything to end. He begins to think about what his team's life will be without him. Nell and Eric will miss him for sure- no one else is daring enough to sneak them Oreos into the OPS center. It's questionable of whether Hetty will miss her daring or stupid, in other circles, detective with her behavior in the past five weeks. Sam is very confusing and considered to be questionable. And Callen he doesn't see missing him anytime soon._

_And there's Kensi._

"_I can't do any of this alone," Deeks whispers aloud, "If you aren't here, I'm not doing any of this. I don't want to breathe anymore if I'm on my own. I'm going to miss everything about you, Kensalina- sunshine and gunpowder all day long and the annoyingly addictive Pumpkin spice shower gel you use every month. I'm-"_

_Deeks' open when he hears the faintest flutter above him. He looks up to see leaves floating down from the dark clouds towards him. One leaf lands a few inches away from his face and he can see that it's not just any leaf, but a fern leaf. When he touches the leaf, his mind flashes back to Independence Day when he and Kensi watched the fireworks from Wattles Garden Park. They had to 'cuddle' because of the abnormally cold July day. _

"_I want to hold you one more time, Kens," Deeks whispers. He suddenly sits up when he realizes that there are many, many things that he wants to do before he dies- hear and see fireworks, drink some of Hetty's excellent scotch, annoy Sam and Callen, run his hand through his girlfriend of ten days' hair and surf for hours and hours against the cool, ocean water spraying against his surfboard._

"_Crap." Thirty seconds ago he wanted to call it quits._

_Now he's not so sure. _

In the surgery room, the assistant surgeon is about to call it when Pearce sees peaks appear on the heart monitor. The room erupts in sighs of relief and cheers when Pearce says, "He's stable. We got him back. Let's hope it stays that way."

* * *

"You want us to wait? For what?" Callen exclaims. As he faces Hetty in the waiting room, Callen is out of his personal pity party and focused on what he's considered crap that's come out of Hetty's mouth. "Kensi will be here in a matter of hours and you want us to wait ? She will not handle this, Hetty. We look at this file now."

"This isn't a request," Hetty replies quickly. To Nell and Callen, she appears to have regained some sense of her threatening demeanor, but not enough to make Callen back down.

"Bates was acting all big and bad until I threatened him with an investigation. He claimed that what's on this drive should stay buried. Is this a case?"

"Yes." Hetty's answer catches Nell and Callen off guard. They hadn't expected an answer of any kind from the operations manager.

"Ok. What kind of case?" Nell asks. In the corner of her eye, she sees an exhausted Sam step into the room.

"It's called the Bearson case. Every agency has a classified case that no one talks, brings up or thinks about. It's the type of case that destroyed instead of helped the lives of the victims and the agents or officers involved. This would be LAPD's version of that case- lives were destroyed, people were murdered and the bad guys got away. That's all I can say for now."

"Why?"

Hetty breathes in deeply, knowing well that her usual deviousness won't help her out of this. "Because when Assistant Director Granger called hours ago demanding to know where Ms. Blye had gone off to, I alerted him of Mr. Deeks' condition and tried to get Ms. Blye removed from the case in Afghanistan. When he denied my request, I had no choice to explain to him that…..the Bearson case and their case in Afghanistan case are connected. I did this for the best-"

"For the best? Was ignoring Deeks in the best interest of him?" Sam snaps. "By separating him from the only stable thing in his life? How about for Kensi- why would you put her on a case that could be tied back to LAPD?" He shakes his head at her in disgust. "Of course, it was…..like everything else you do. I-I can't be here with this. I'm going to go to LAX and wait for Kensi. She'll be here in a few hours. In the meantime, figure out how you're going to explain to Kensi and Deeks about how you did this for the best."

* * *

**Four hours later**

She's home.

Well, technically she's still on the plane sitting parked in front of her gate at LAX.

American Airlines Flight 4726 landed 15 minutes ago, almost exactly 17 hours to the minute after she flew out of Afghanistan. Los Angeles is grey and much colder than she remembers. The heavy clouds that draper over the city remind her of Deeks and the countless mornings of him complaining about the weather's effect on his surfing. She'd laugh out loud at this moment, but neither the memory nor any other happy thought she's tried to put in her mind is going to get her to get off the now empty plane.

"Ma 'am, you need to leave."

Kensi blinks blankly at the blonde flight attendant staring down at her. Nothing on the flight has registered in her brain; she only remembers boarding and grasping onto her plush camel like it was life support.

"Gabe, is that woman still there? Do I need to call security?"

"No, no. I've got it." The flight attendant kneels next to Kensi and calls out, "My name is Gabe. Are you ok?"

Kensi blinks once more against her strained, tired eyes. She wants to close them so bad but she can't. Regardless of her being up for almost 25 hours, Kensi cannot close her eyes right now. _If I blink, Deeks might disappear._

"Is there someone I can call?" Gabe asks again. Kensi blinks again and doesn't take her gaze off of the sky mall magazine in the back of the seat in front of her. Gabe inhales deeply in frustration and decides to make an against-protocol move. Unlike the other, harsher flight attendants, Gabe knows the signs of a catatonic person and how to deal with them.

"I'm going to take a look at your phone, ok?" Gabe tells Kensi softly and reaches for the satellite phone that's bulging out of her jacket pocket. By now, the entire flight team has gathered at the top of the aisle and watch Gabe work intently as if he was defusing a bomb.

"I did a tour in Iraq right out of high school so I know a sat phone if I see one," Gabe comments. He clicks the redial button and then the speaker phone button. The number has a Los Angeles area code which gives him hope of going in the right direction. After two rings, a groggy voice answers, "Hello?"

"Hi, this is Gabe Mattenson from American Airli-"

"Kensi?" the voice on the other end exclaims.

"She's right next to me. We've just landed at LAX and she's in a catatonic state and the only one left on the plane," Gabe states, " Who am I talking to?"

"Oh, um, my name is Sam. What do you mean?"

"The plane's cleared out and she hasn't moved. All she does is blink. I can guide her the best I can off the plane before security is called-"

"She's-uh- consider her to like a cop so I don't recomd-"

"I'm an ex veteran with a tour in Iraq after high school and a second tour in Afghanistan. I already know that police officers don't carry sat phones. I'll take care of her. You can meet me at the ticket desk for American Airlines."

"Ok. Ok- I'll be there in about 5 minutes. I'm in the parking lot."

"Take your time," Gabe says. He ends the call sees that Kensi is now staring at him as if she's seen a ghost.

"You look like him," She mumbles in chanting voice.

"I look like who, miss?"

"My boyfriend who'll probably die before I make it to the hospital." It's the first time that she's ever called Deeks her boyfriend out loud. Ten days of a relationship, a secret relationship at that, doesn't give much allowance for cute nicknames and second dates.

"Well, Sam will be here in half an hour and then you'll go see hi-"

"I can't leave- every time I get closer to the hospital, I hear worse news. I just can't."

"Miss…..Kensi, in my opinion, if you wait, you might miss your chance-"

"To say goodbye?" Kensi gasps.

Gabe puts a hand on her shoulder to calm her down. " No, you might miss your chance to be there and help him pull through," he holds out a hand, " Your friend Sam will be here in a few minutes. You coming?"


End file.
